I realized, today during Bio lecture, that it is inevitable for me to go back on medication from my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. I realize that I’m not catching on as quickly as I should or use to and that it is progressing into something that needs to be controlled with something other than sheer willpower and behavioral technique.

But, really, I still wonder.. is it really the ADHD holding me behind or is it a sheer unwillingness to make school top priority in my life? My hate of college structure boils back in relation with harsh personal issues in my freshmen year of college.
Or is it that I really have no negative or positive reinforcement when it comes to school? As an elementary student my parents paid me for good grades. That began to fizzle out in junior high. They paid my brother all the way up through school, through senior year also. His grades were subpar in comparison to mine..
I try to keep myself motivated, thinking about maybe getting a new Jeep or.. something. But materialism doesn’t work with me - I’m not materialistic. I like money, but not for what it buys me but for the places it takes me to.

Point is: There is nothing positive, right this moment, about being in school for me. There’s actually a lot of negative. It destroys my self-worth, it cuts my hours for work, it costs more gas for me. Thinking about the future is nice, but right now the price is very heavy on my shoulders.

I have fairly high self image, self esteem. But I have fairly low self-worth.
And, yes, there’s a difference.

I’m sitting in bio lecture beginning to already demolish that my career choice was a positive one. Yes, PTA is a very nice job. It’s a calm environment, you help people. But the schooling is very much not how my brain is functioned. I am very highly right-brained. I do not think analytically or mathematically (although I am good at math). I always struggled with remembering biology in high school and freshmen year at UMF in BIO 104. It’s challenging - we all like to challenge ourself but there’s a difference between challenging and doing something that just isn’t correct for you.
But if I give up on this, it’s just another black hole in career goal.

Really, without a career goal or a job other then this monkey-type I have now, I feel I begin to hold no purpose. Everyone in my entire life always makes a point to say I’ll change things or be more than average. But without knowing or having an illusion of some sort of destiny or path to follow, I feel nothing more than the average person who works retail there entire life, lives in a shitty apartment, and dies at the age of 75, still currently employed.

(or rather, alone at the age of 93 with a dead wife ,no kids and a case of Alzheimer’s, FREEZING TO DEATH in my home because a limiter has been placed on my electricity- I having no clue as to what is happening, because I am so far gone I don’t realize why my electricity has been shut off.)

I think the weight of responsibility that’s been put on me since I was.. oh, around the age of 11 (when I started recieving income for things like mowing yards, shoveling driveways, etc;) is beginning to tear through my muscles and gnaw away at my skeletal structure. It’s so honorable and all those synonyms for grandeur to feel the weight and bear it, but I’m honestly past it. I’m tired of having to be so responsible in my life while my parents reward my brother because they feel he’s unaware of life and “how it works” (or how we’ve tried to believe it’s suppose to work). He’s not ignorant, he’s just stupid.
I could act all noble and not take this moment to bitch about how I’m frustrated or how for once I just want things to be easy. But I’m going to be honest and realistic about it. It’s never going to be easy, though. My mind cannot focus without the help of an amphetamine, some sort of stimulant; it makes me feel crippled.

I’m done for now. It’s time to go to work.

..someone give me some positive reinforcement for school. I really need some more motivation.